As our parents age, it’s only a matter of time before we find ourselves worrying about their health and well-being. The simple question, “are your parents living well,” might be surprisingly hard to answer for some, especially if their parent lives in a different city and they are balancing their own work and family responsibilities.
So, are your parents living well? Do you know if they could use some help? Do you understand the full extent of their health situation?
Let me tell you about Annie, an 85-year-old widow living alone in Mississauga. Annie has only one daughter living nearby; her other children live in different parts of the country. However, her kids were starting to worry about their mother as she was becoming forgetful and sounded lonely.
Annie’s daughter stopped by her house one day and found the fridge empty. Annie had recently stopped driving and this naturally led to her becoming more isolated and lonely. She was also exhibiting early symptoms of dementia but was in denial about her circumstances because she feared losing her independence.
Annie’s daughter was able to convince her that home care might be a perfect option so she could stay in her own home more comfortably and happily. A “companion level” caregiver was hired to visit Annie a few times a week.
Annie now thinks of her hired caregiver as a compassionate and doting friend. Her new friend visits regularly, prepares her delicious meals, takes her to social outings and reminds her when to take her medications. They share many of the same interests and enjoy great conversations together.
For Annie’s family this new arrangement is a great relief—and they can now relax knowing that their mom is looked after.
How do you determine if your parent is living well? What are the signs? A simple question to ask yourself is, “If I were to leave the country tomorrow, would my loved one be self-sufficient?”
If you’re not sure about the answer, consider the following:
• Are they eating properly?
• How is their daily grooming and appearance?
• Are they experiencing memory loss?
• Are they sleeping well? Are they managing their medications as prescribed?
• Are they managing their finances such as paying the bills and getting to the bank as needed?
• Can they drive safely?
• Are they still active and social?
If you are worried about the answers, then it’s time to have a good family discussion with your parents and siblings. Your parents need to know that you are concerned and will support them—although they may resist at first.
This resistance is usually associated with the fear of losing one’s independence. The most traumatic events in a senior’s life will be the onset of a major medical problem, the loss of their driver’s license or the fear of having to move out of their home.
Talking about and understanding your parents’ wishes and keeping the lines of communication open are extremely important. You may find yourself taking baby steps to begin with and gradually increasing the care as needed. Twenty-four-hour residential care (if eventually needed) won’t seem as scary if they have already developed a relationship with a caregiver.
It’s important to spend quality time and plan ahead for the needs of aging parents, because when their health begins to deteriorate it’s best to be prepared. After all, their later years should be something we celebrate!
Tips for Taking Care
Words by Lucie and David Shaw
Are you worried about a parent’s health or living conditions and feel it’s time they need the extra help before a crisis evolves? Here are some tips for getting them to accept some help in the home.
1. Seek the advice of a trusted professional. A physician or an outside expert from a private care company can be your best ally in getting your parents to accept help.
2. Hire a caregiver to manage some household chores at first and not actual “personal care.” Oftentimes, this is seen as less threatening to a loved one’s independence and will serve as a means to “get the caregiver in the door.”
3. If both parents are at home, direct your attention to the less needy one. By allying yourself with the more independent parent, you may ultimately be able to get them both to accept the help they require.
4. Focus on you as the caregiver needing the help and not them needing assistance. Because your parents love you and they’ve taken care of you in the past, helping you with this dilemma is just another thing they can do for you.
5. Show them a few nursing homes as an alternative. Tour some nursing homes, and let them make the choice as to whether they want to move or stay at home.
6. Give them a potential out. Suggest a trial period with a caregiver—if they don’t like having assistance, then other options can be considered.
7. Discuss money. Take some time with a financial planner sooner rather than later to plan for your parents’ future needs and to allay their fears.
8. Show them the stats. Almost all injury-related hospitalizations are the result of a simple fall. One out of every three seniors will fall this year and a little bit of help may prevent this.
9. Ask them about their fears as well as their goals. Recent studies show that the number-one fear of aging is losing independence, and the number-two fear is moving out of their own home. It’s important to talk about this and decide on the steps for the future.
10. And if all else fails, hire a friend to help your parent. Discuss and prep a friend who is willing to help and schedule a rendezvous with them and your parents at their favorite restaurant.