Words by John Fraser
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âHello?â
âIs this John Fraser?â
âAre you phoning about my ducks?â
âExcuse me?â
âMy ducks, my ducks⌠seems like you phone every second day about cleaning my ducks. I keep telling you, I donât have any ducks but I do have a golden retriever that could use a good bath.â
âSorry, but I am not calling about your ducts. Iâm calling to tell you that youâve wonââ
âRight, another free cruise in the Caribbean, I suppose? Not catching me on that one again. Last time you cost me $75. What did I get for it? Zilch, nada, no more, no thanks.â
âPlease, if youâll let me explain. Iâm not selling anything. You attended the Starrâs on The Credit fundraiser for the Trillium Hospital. You signed up for item 76 in the silent auction. You were the only bidder and so item 76 goes to you. Congratulations!â
âReally? Sorry about the rant. Iâm just a little phobic about phone solicitations. Thatâs terrific news! My grandson will be delighted.â
âYour grandson?â
âYup. Heâs keen about hockey. He plays goalâheâs nuts about the game.â
âHockey?â
âHockey. Our national sport. Surely youâve heard of it?â
âOf course Iâve heard of hockey. And my name is Alice, not Shirley.â
âWell Alice, this is great. I suppose you want my Visa number. $35, right? Where do I pick it up?â
âWhoa, hold on, I think thereâs been a little mix-up.â
âWhat mix-up? Iâm John Fraser and I was at the fundraiser on Thursday night and I bid in the silent auction for a goalie stick personally autographed by Johnny Bower. Iâm blown away that I got it for only $35. It wasnât a genuine game stick, but the autograph is real. Randyâthatâs my grandsonâheâll be over the moon. Where do I pick it up? Hold on, Iâll get my credit card.â
âSorry, but I think your grandson is going to be disappointed.â
âWhy? I told you heâs crazy for hockey.â
âItem 76 is not an autographed hockey stick.â
âWhat is it, if itâs not a Johnny Bower hockey stick?â
âItâs $480 worth of personal relationship counselling.â
âPersonal relationship counselling?! Whatâs he going to do with that? Heâs not married. Heâs only 10; he doesnât even have a girlfriend!â
âI donât know, but youâre John Fraser and I obviously have the right phone number.â
âI didnât sign up for relationship counselling. Iâm not married and I havenât been for 25 years since my fourth wife left me. What do I need with relationship counselling? Listen, just give me the hockey stick and forget about the counselling.â
âIâm sorry, Mr. Fraser, but it doesnât work that way. You are responsible for whatever you sign up for and you signed up for $480 worth of relationship counselling. Perhaps you could give me your Visa number.â
âBut what about Johnny Bowerâs goalie stick?â
âI just checked on it: item 75 went for $200 to another gentleman. Look at it this way: you get $480 worth of counselling for only $35. That puts you $445 ahead. Maybe you could sell it on eBay?â
âWell, thanks for nothing Alice. Guess Iâll head over to a sports store and pick up a goalie stick. Maybe en route Iâll run into some gal whoâs as big a loser in the relationship game as I am. We could take counselling sessions together. Iâd split the $480 with her even-steven.â
âThat sounds nice.â
âBy the way Alice, you donât happen to be married, do you?â
John Fraser is a comedian, actor, speaker, special event cause celebre, and general gad-about. Need an entertaining speaker? Heâs the guy for you! iloveaging.com | [email protected]