We assigned our Single in ‘Ssauga leading lady to reveal ways to survive Valentines! Words by Lauren Shirreffs

It has been well over a month since we took down the tree and chucked those Christmas lights away into dusty boxes to wait for next Christmas. So the passing weeks have diminished the memory of family dinner queries like: “So, when are you getting married?”, “Meet anyone special lately?”, “I think your younger cousin’s getting engaged…isn’t THAT nice?”

It is the calm before the storm people. We are in the eye of the hurricane from January 2nd until February 13th, because as bad and as lonely as Christmas can be, there is only one day worse…

Valentine’s Day. A retailer’s dream and a single girl’s death trap.

Scene set: Days leading up to this ridiculous, pseudo holiday, the stores are packed up with red velvet window displays, hanging naked babies with angel wings and scary sharpened arrows. The world begins to smell like one big cinnamon heart and I can’t seem to get away from Brian McKnight on the radio even if I try. (And trust me I try, drowning it out with some angry Alanis Morrissette.) Couples that hate each other, walk hand in-hand, fake smiling and fake patting, waiting for the 15th to come. Note: If you are going to break up around V-Day, you should probably wait the post Valentine’s grace period of about a week.

Thus avoiding slashed tires. Been there, done that. How can you bypass this red and pink bubble of love when the object of your affection is an over weight Persian cat?

Well, after chatting with a few singles in and around the city, it seems Anti-Valentines Day parties are all the rage. Special events for singles, usually house parties or set at a venue, these Anti-Valentine’s Day deals are themed (mine is called, “Lets kill Cupid”, think I might have to tell my therapist about this one) and singles come to socialize, meet others and basically avoid the crowded restaurants and over booked movie theatres.

Another option, a little less extreme, is to basically turn off your television up to four days before to avoid the onslaught of “When Harry Met Sally” (because your best friend actually DOESN’T want to sleep with you), “Serendipity” (because the last guy you met at the mall lived with his mother) and “Sleepless in Seattle” (because the voice on the other end of the radio looks worse than you in the morning). Also, be sure to keep your radio off, Boys to Men was better left in the ‘90’s and no slow jam is a good slow jam when the only thing you have to dance with is that ever growing cat.

Believe it or not, there are worse things than being dateless on Valentine’s Day. Really. The pressures on those Valentine’s Day plans, performance, gift options are just a recipe for disaster.

It seems almost everyone has a story to share of a Valentine’s Day gone wrong. Whether the candles caught a bit of your hair, or the tea infused chocolate made you break out in hives, it has happened to the best of us.

Gloria decided she would make her man a full on, complicated and extremely time consuming, Peruvian dinner for Valentine’s Day. From entr?e to dessert, she put time, effort and love into each plate, buzzing with excitement for the special night. She drove an hour to his place, decked out in her favourite cocktail dress and best heels, teased hair to the max. There he was, holed t-shirt and ripped jeans, probably forgot to shower, and ready to instigate a fight. A half hour later, Gloria left hungry and in tears, to trudge another half hour to a singles’ party and live out the rest of her Valentine’s Day gone wrong.

Chrissy spent hours picking out the perfect gift for her boyfriend of four months. Her budget wouldn’t really allow for such an expense, but shucks, it was Valentine’s Day. She met him at the restaurant, and halfway through the meal he decided to go into elaborate details of how he didn’t think they should spend money on Valentine’s Day gifts this year, but oh…thank you so much for the gift. Then right before the bill came, he had to take a call outside. Leaving Chrissy to do the math, fork the cash and needless-to-say, he is now an ex.

Ainsley thought it would be a good time to live out her kinky-ness. I mean, when better to give your boyfriend a lap dance than on Valentine’s Day? Lanky and uncoordinated, it had been a couple years since Ainsley took those jazz dance classes and the moves just weren’t applicable for this kind of performance. Handcuffing her boyfriend to the bed just put more pressure on her show, and when she began strutting her stuff her movements were far too comical and exaggerated…then she slipped off the bed. Luckily, she is still alive to talk about it.

There you have it. Maybe it isn’t so bad to share the couch with your cat and watch the time tick past Valentine’s Day, alone with martini in hand. But why not check out one of those singles parties out there, or have one of your own! Otherwise there are a slew of things you can be doing on this random Monday night…because that is all it really is…another Monday night. Another excuse to drink on a weekday. Oh and remember: your relationship status is NOT your identity… enjoy being you and your fabulous self…go buy overly expensive shoes and dance alone to your favourite song because…why not? You’re single, you’re hot and you’re young…

Lauren’s Top Ten Places to Go on a V-Day for One:

  • Gun Range
  • The Spa
  • The Gym… Personal Trainers look so much hotter on this day
  • Vodka Bar
  • Church
  • My best friend’s couch with a disgusting amount of chocolate
  • My best friend’s couch with a disgusting amount of vodka
  • My best friend’s couch with chocolate, vodka and the Sex & the City trilogy
  • Shoe Stores (any)
  • Karaoke

Follow Lauren on Twitter @LaurenMariaS